Friday, August 18, 2006: Snakes on a Plane hits theaters.

Sunday, August 20, 2006: This blog goes live.

I’m fairly certain these two events are not explicitly related. Then again, this movie has inspired stranger behavior.

Snakes on a Plane, the most ridiculously overhyped so-bad-it’s-good-but-not-really film ever, has raked in its opening weekend grosses, which according to Box Office Mojo, amount to somewhere in the $15,000,000 range. Yeah, way to back that horse, internet.

The movie does pretty much exactly what the title implies: It gives us snakes. On a plane. With Samuel L. Jackson playing his favorite role, the angry I-don’t-play-entirely-by-the-book cop. You don’t even need to see the movie to know what happens, because the title and cast pretty much spell everything out for you. Let me break it down:

1) Sammy J., on Big Official Police Business, boards a crowded plane.

2) Deadly snakes (smuggled onto said plane by Generic Bad Guy) get loose.

3) Obligatory boob shots and Mile High Club jokes. On a plane in an R-rated movie, this is pretty much inevitable.

4) Lots of people die. Including some jerk who gets devoured whole by a really big constrictor.

5) Sammy J. gets angry, shows the reptilian interlopers who’s boss, and eventually announces that he’s, quote, “had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane” (a line for which “The Internet” sadly does not receive a writing credit).

My point is, just don’t go in expecting a whole hell of a lot, beyond this description. And don’t take your girlfriend with you, either. At least, not if she’s anything like mine (I believe her exact words when we left the theater were “I hate you so much right now”). I’m no doubt going to pay the price for this by sitting through some awful romantic comedy or something.