A good friend of mine once made a remark about Batman’s ultimate fate. He reasoned that, should DC Comics ever decide to kill Batman, the character should not die at the hands of one of his maniacal arch-enemies…but rather, from a bullet fired by a random criminal in a random alley. Such a demise would be most fitting for the character, providing a very appropriate and ironic coda for his life and his mission up to that definitive, final point.

I cannot help but recall my friend’s words when thinking about the very recent death of Steve Irwin, Australia’s beloved and wacky Crocodile Hunter. The man spent his life wrestling crocodiles and engaging in other daring acts that some dismiss as foolhardy. Yet his fatal encounter was not with one of the countless crocodiles, lions, tigers, or other highly dangerous animals he spent his life chasing. Ironically, Irwin met his end in an unprovoked attack from a short-tail stingray, a normally docile creature that only fights in self-defense. Irwin and his cameraman were snorkeling in Queensland’s Batt Reef while shooting a documentary titled (aptly enough) The Ocean’s Deadliest, when the aforementioned stingray punctured Irwin’s heart with its barbed tail. Irwin’s is only the third such fatality in recorded Australian history (I cannot for the life of me find a reference for this, but I assure you that I did read it yesterday while scouring news reports of the incident).

Thinking on these freak circumstances, Irwin’s death makes perfect sense: He was never going to meet his end from some ferocious carnivore in one of his outback excursions, because he had control of those situations. No matter how foolhardy or insane some people believed Irwin to be, the man always knew what he was doing…and he was good at it. The only way nature was ever going to get the better of him would be in some completely unpredictable accident that came out of the blue. And that’s exactly what happened.

“Celebrity” deaths usually do not move me, but Irwin’s is somehow different. By all accounts, he was the genuine article; what you saw was what you got, with nothing contrived or staged about the guy. He really was the rugged, gung-ho, and highly entertaining outdoorsman we saw on TV, and I imagine that, to many people (myself included), “Steve Irwin” is synonymous with “Australia.” He’s a man who certainly died too young at 44, and one that a lot of folks (his wife and two young children most of all, no doubt) will miss. But he went out doing what he loved, which I suppose is about as noble an end as anyone could ask for.

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tech‧nol‧o‧gy /tɛkˈnɒlədʒi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronuncia[tek-nol-uh-jee]
–noun
1. magic.
2. basically anything really cool that you don’t know how it works…and if it breaks, you have to buy a new one.

…or so says Strong Bad. Pretty good definition, if you ask me.

Both of my hard drives, a combined 300GB or so worth of data, kicked the bucket this past weekend, mere hours apart. I had the foresight to back most of the data up about a month ago, and most of the recent stuff (mostly D&D documents), I can recreate. And hey, a fresh install of Windows never hurts. At the very least, it’s a welcome excuse to purge my PC of all the random dumb applications I’ve loaded up since my last clean install.

The thing that really bugs me, though, is the annoyance and the cost of buying new hardware. It seems like every hardware upgrade I spring for is born of frantic urgency as opposed to careful research and planning. I’d love to buy a new processor, or more RAM. But hey, I don’t need those things, right? Better to save a bit of money for them and then decide exactly what I want. No rush.

Not really the case lately. Here’s what my latest hardware purchases have looked like, off the top of my head:

- 80GB hard drive (replacement for dead 100GB hard drive)
- 500GB hard drive (replacement for dead 250GB hard drive)
- New case (replacement for godawful desktop case…okay, this was a bit of an indulgence)
- LCD monitor (replacement for dead LCD monitor)
- Wireless router (replacement for dead wireless router)
- 64MB AGP videocard (replacement for fried 128MB AGP videocard)
- 2.6GHz CPU (replacement for fried 2.4GHz CPU)
- 512MB RAM stick (replacement for fried 1GB RAM stick…still haven’t bought more)

And I’d have a motherboard on the list too, had my co-workers not been able to help me out with that particular piece of hardware at the time. My point is, PC hardware really seems to suck lately. Whatever happened to awesome hardware that lasts forever? I still have a 400MHz Pentium II out in the living room, with a Voodoo 3 videocard and four hot-ass SCSI drives stacked on top of each other, that still ran fine when I stopped using it. Yet none of the dead hardware listed above lasted for more than a year. I’ve probably purchased more emergency replacement parts in the past two years than I have actual I’m-buying-them-cause-I-just-want-to-upgrade parts in the past ten.

The 250GB drive (the dead-est of the two drives) isn’t more than maybe a year-and-a-half old…and yet, my usual salvage-the-hard-drive-for-a-few-final-moments tricks failed me. I used to use the old “freeze the hard drive” trick on bad drives to get them functioning long enough to back up critical documents (worked like a charm on my old Linux box), but the 250GB drive wasn’t having any of that. Stupid piece of junk.

On the bright side, at least I have a whopping 580GB of drive space now. Maybe these ones will last more than a freaking year. Now why the hell is my DVD-RW drive’s eject mechanism acting up? Grrrrrr…

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I’ve played various incarnations of the Dungeons & Dragons pen-and-paper roleplaying game since I was 14, and I’ve never been entirely happy with any of them. The old AD&D 2nd Edition rules that I started with were clunky and haphazard, often requiring some pretty annoying charts, and some fancy number-juggling on the players’ parts. Sometimes rolling high was better, and sometimes rolling low was better. That -5 to my armor class…yeah, that negative number was actually a good thing. And I don’t know why exactly I needed to roll a saving throw vs. rods, staves, and wands to avoid getting wuss-slapped by some damn monster, but that’s what the rules said…so that’s what I did. I certainly have some great nostalgic memories of playing and running AD&D 2E games aplenty back in high school (which I plan to one day relate on this blog), but in retrospect, the game’s mechanics made very little logical sense.

It only got worse when then-D&D publisher TSR heaped supplement after supplement upon us, further obfuscating the rules and piling on some of the most unbalanced game mechanics I’ve ever allowed at the table (I still shudder when I think about some of the character kits from the “red book” series). Two books in particular, Player’s Option: Combat & Tactics and Player’s Option: Skills & Powers, devolved the game into unabashed munchkinism at the mechanical level. All was lost.

Then in 2000, a few years after Magic: The Gathering publisher Wizards of the Coast acquired and assimilated TSR, Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition hit store shelves. At first glance, it seemed like a better game. The math made far more sense across the board: high rolls were always good, armor class started at 10 and went up (as opposed to 2E’s absurd 10 to -10 scale), cryptic game mechanics like saving throws and multiclassing suddenly became a lot more intuitive, and all the various races and classes struck a much better balance.

Six years and one marketing-driven rules revision later (it’s D&D v3.5, everybody!), I’m frustrated with the game again. Game mechanics like feats (which is…and let’s be honest here, fellow D&D geeks…basically a replacement for the old kit-style mechanics) and prestige classes (the sheer number of these advanced character classes strip all meaning from the term “prestige class”) have once again molded the game into little more than a number-juggling arms race (and don’t even get me started on the attack-of-opportunity rules).

You can imagine my joy when I recently discovered a game that combines all of the good parts of these D&D editions with almost none of the bad. Castles & Crusades, by Troll Lord Games (pictured above), is a fantasy RPG geek’s dream come true: all the classic races, classes, and simple combat mechanics of early AD&D editions, combined with the elegant simplicity and flexibility of D&D 3E…without all the annoyances-disguised-as-rules. Best of all, it’s compatible with pretty much everything from every edition, meaning I can break out all of those old, unused AD&D 2E adventures I never ran.

A lot of “classic” campaign settings and material supports this system, too Troll Lord Games’ own Castle Zagyg campaign setting, authored by D&D creator Gary Gygax himself, basically revisits the fan-favorite Greyhawk setting under a new name. Goodman Games’ “Dungeon Crawl Classics” series will come dual-statted for use with both D&D and Castles & Crusades in the future. And, best of all, Judges Guild (publisher of the infamous City State of the Invincible Overlord) recently announced that future supplements for its Wilderlands of High Fantasy setting will (beginning in 2007) utilize the Castles & Crusades rules.

Sadly, I’ve already heard rumblings over on RPG news site EN World about a possible D&D 4th Edition in 2008, geared much more toward the use of collectible miniatures in combat (3E’s already pretty bad in this regard, too). It’s well-known (and unsurprising, knowing the RPG industry) that D&D isn’t one of Wizards of the Coast’s most profitable product lines, so it makes a certain sense that the bean counters at parent company Hasbro would demand a push toward collectible-friendly mechanics in the next edition of D&D. I’m just wondering how casual gamers will react to a move like that.

Former D&D Brand Manager Ryan Dancey recently laid out one possible scenario, citing the dependence on miniatures and a speculated lack of Open Gaming content as the causes of D&D’s eventual downfall: “Such a radical break would almost certainly result in a 3rd party version of the game, published under a new brand name, becoming the de-facto inheritor of the D&D player network externality, coming into direct competition with whatever faux ‘D&D’ product is being marketed, and probably crushing it.”

And when that day comes, Castles & Crusades will be here to fully inherit the legacy. I hope. In the meantime, I’m working on a new Castles & Crusades campaign to see how good this system really is. Hopefully it doesn’t let me down.

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Rob Liefeld, a.k.a. The World’s Worst Comic Book Artist, posted the cover of Brad Meltzer and Ed Benes’ upcoming Justice League of America #1 (due out this week) on his forum last night. Before I go any further, I’d just like to say how happy I am that Liefeld doesn’t actually have anything to do with this book…otherwise we’d be looking at something like this.

Anyhow, the team lineup (click the first pic above for a larger view) features a number of interesting choices. Aside from the obvious Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, we get former JLA’ers Green Lantern (Hal Jordan), Black Canary, Red Tornado, Vixen, and Hawkgirl; and first-time Leaguers Arsenal (looking suspiciously like Red Arrow from Mark Waid’s beloved Kingdom Come miniseries) and Black Lightning.

I’m kind of shocked that former Green Arrow sidekick (and Teen Titans founder) Arsenal made the lineup in lieu of the Green Arrow himself, especially considering that JLA writer Brad Meltzer is well-known in comic circles for his previous usage of the character. And Black Lightning…well, as you can see from the other cover up there, he didn’t take no damn membership offers from no jive JLA turkeys back in 1979, but he’s apparently had a change of heart.

Astute comic readers will also note that every member represents a particular era or team in the DC universe: The Silver Age (Green Lantern), the Satellite era (Red Tornado), Justice League Detroit (Vixen), the JSA (Hawkgirl), Teen Titans (Arsenal), Outsiders (Black Lightning), and Justice League International/Birds of Prey (Black Canary). Hopefully these representations amount to more than just mere symbolism.

I hear tell an eleventh member will sign on at some point during Meltzer’s 14-issue run, with someone on the team acting as the token rookie. Since I doubt anyone considers anyone in the aforementioned lineup a rookie when it comes to superheroics, I can only assume that this eleventh mystery member fits the bill. My money’s on Steel (Natasha Irons), since she’s got a prominent role in DC’s weekly 52 series (I’m predicting her father John Henry Irons, the current Steel, eats it before 52 ends…with Natasha fully assuming his mantle). I’ll still hold out hope for Captain Boomerang or Firestorm, though.

Or maybe Bat-Mite.

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Friday, August 18, 2006: Snakes on a Plane hits theaters.

Sunday, August 20, 2006: This blog goes live.

I’m fairly certain these two events are not explicitly related. Then again, this movie has inspired stranger behavior.

Snakes on a Plane, the most ridiculously overhyped so-bad-it’s-good-but-not-really film ever, has raked in its opening weekend grosses, which according to Box Office Mojo, amount to somewhere in the $15,000,000 range. Yeah, way to back that horse, internet.

The movie does pretty much exactly what the title implies: It gives us snakes. On a plane. With Samuel L. Jackson playing his favorite role, the angry I-don’t-play-entirely-by-the-book cop. You don’t even need to see the movie to know what happens, because the title and cast pretty much spell everything out for you. Let me break it down:

1) Sammy J., on Big Official Police Business, boards a crowded plane.

2) Deadly snakes (smuggled onto said plane by Generic Bad Guy) get loose.

3) Obligatory boob shots and Mile High Club jokes. On a plane in an R-rated movie, this is pretty much inevitable.

4) Lots of people die. Including some jerk who gets devoured whole by a really big constrictor.

5) Sammy J. gets angry, shows the reptilian interlopers who’s boss, and eventually announces that he’s, quote, “had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane” (a line for which “The Internet” sadly does not receive a writing credit).

My point is, just don’t go in expecting a whole hell of a lot, beyond this description. And don’t take your girlfriend with you, either. At least, not if she’s anything like mine (I believe her exact words when we left the theater were “I hate you so much right now”). I’m no doubt going to pay the price for this by sitting through some awful romantic comedy or something.

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